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BubbaJack

When your walk is far from what it should be.

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I would just like to read what others say about this. As far as being a Christian goes, I'm terrible at it. I'm at a really bad time in life due to financial and health problems, and I get very angry a lot. I've never been a winner at life, but its really bad now, how I react to things. I often have spells where I just hate God and people, and I get into it bad with people online. Sometimes I get so bitter that I swear off Christianity, but I keep coming back. Not out of fear, but after a day or two of rage I find myself quietly asking God to forgive me. I really don't know what that says about me, if I am a phony in all this or hopefully God is really patient with me. Thoughts?

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I would just like to read what others say about this. As far as being a Christian goes, I'm terrible at it. I'm at a really bad time in life due to financial and health problems, and I get very angry a lot. I've never been a winner at life, but its really bad now, how I react to things. I often have spells where I just hate God and people, and I get into it bad with people online. Sometimes I get so bitter that I swear off Christianity, but I keep coming back. Not out of fear, but after a day or two of rage I find myself quietly asking God to forgive me. I really don't know what that says about me, if I am a phony in all this or hopefully God is really patient with me. Thoughts?

 

G'evening BubbaJack,

 

Personally, I'd have to go back a few years to relate. They say hindsight is 20/20. But I definitely do, as I was someone messed up in drugs, and I'm sure you can imagine the emotional instability of someone struggling with a major addiction and the resulting health issues. I remember at that time when being drawn to the Lord having a major beef with Christians, standing in front of the Tv screaming at the top of my lungs and arguing against the Prosperity preachers on TBN and CBN. If anything I still do this, but in a different more positive way - I convey my emotions and what I need to say - memes are wonderful :)

 

If it is any encouragement, and I hope it is, I think you're aware of certain issues many people go throughout life not identifying. I used to be a hot head in temperament, but I soon realized there were triggers that resulted in such reactions. I literally disassembled myself for a year through introspection and meditation on the Word. I was led by God to cut out all those "things" and "people" that were negative triggers, that is, drug dealers, and the associated social circles, and yes, even the horrible doctrine from some-so-called professing Christians.

 

I'd hate to be critical of you brother, because of your bitterness and swearing off of an umbrella term (Christianity). If it is further consolation to you, remember that the word Christian was a derogatory term first given to followers of Christ at Antioch ;)

 

Sometimes what has really helped me is my online correspondence through this website. But I do limit myself and retract back into my recharge man cave as I am introvert that prefers limited contact with people. Actually social engagement goes against the grain of my personality type. Here on the board though, I just want you to know that from time to time agitators make their presence. Please be patient with our moderation team in doing their job, but if something is just over the top please feel free to contact one of us or report a post.

 

Philippians 2:12

 

God bless,

William

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Thank you for that. I do have triggers....politics being one of them. I get seriously bent and have been banned repeatedly from a site that bears a name similar to this on. I admit that its fun, but its definitely unChristian to talk to people the way I do when I'm in a mood. Sometimes I consider doing a forum kamakaze dive, and getting myself banned, but I would have to engage in some serious nastiness to do that. A big problem is I have sleep trouble, and it makes me really despondent, almost to the point of being a Jekyll and Hyde thing. There's a reason I picked the avatar I did, the Pharisee and the publican. I am nothing more than the guy saying "God have mercy on me, a sinner." I cannot point to any virtues or fruit, I'm just a beggar.

 

I am also an introvert as well, and I've always felt a bit of guilt over that, not being outgoing and friendly.

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after a day or two of rage I find myself quietly asking God to forgive me. I really don't know what that says about me,

To me it says you are really a Christian even if you don't act like one at times. There have been times when I have acted the same way you do. That doesn't happen as often now but if I'm not careful I can slip back into my old ways.

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Hi Bubbajack. First, I am sorry you have had a rough life. I've had more troubles than I care to remember, and my husband has been through much worse. One of the things that drove me crazy for years was the "prosperity gospel". Even though I knew and still know it's not true, it has this way of sounding true enough to really tear a person apart when it doesn't work that way. I think that deep down, you know there has to be something better, and there is.

 

Before I say anything more, let me fill you in a bit. Between 2012 and now, I lost my house, suffered a lung infection that nearly killed me, had my thyroid go bad and put on a bunch of weight. I have a serious injury in my right hip that no one seems to want to take seriously, so I can't work and don't get out much. I feel buried alive. Meanwhile my husband has wonderful computer and art skills. He should be in Web Design, and we should be financially secure, except that the only people who seem to get hired in Tech are people from India with visas to work over here. Last year, we both had a major crisis of faith because of these things.

 

There is a great depth of beauty and truth in Christianity. Living by the Bible teaches us to love ourselves first, and to love others. I have found that aside from financial strain, one of the major causes of depression and despair have to do with seeing ourselves as worthless and unlovable, and I have found through Bible study and prayer that there are many lies leveled against us throughout our lives that cause us to hate ourselves. The "peace that passes all understanding" has a lot to do with learning what is true about ourselves, in forgiveness and in love. When we are able to understand these things and learn to apply them, the truth in Christ heals. I tested this in my own life, then helped my husband see the same things, and I have seen the same process work in both of us, so I am pretty sure it works for others too. I hope you can somehow enter this peace, this rest spoken on in the Bible...

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Hi Bubbajack. First, I am sorry you have had a rough life. I've had more troubles than I care to remember, and my husband has been through much worse. One of the things that drove me crazy for years was the "prosperity gospel". Even though I knew and still know it's not true, it has this way of sounding true enough to really tear a person apart when it doesn't work that way. I think that deep down, you know there has to be something better, and there is.

 

Before I say anything more, let me fill you in a bit. Between 2012 and now, I lost my house, suffered a lung infection that nearly killed me, had my thyroid go bad and put on a bunch of weight. I have a serious injury in my right hip that no one seems to want to take seriously, so I can't work and don't get out much. I feel buried alive. Meanwhile my husband has wonderful computer and art skills. He should be in Web Design, and we should be financially secure, except that the only people who seem to get hired in Tech are people from India with visas to work over here. Last year, we both had a major crisis of faith because of these things.

 

There is a great depth of beauty and truth in Christianity. Living by the Bible teaches us to love ourselves first, and to love others. I have found that aside from financial strain, one of the major causes of depression and despair have to do with seeing ourselves as worthless and unlovable, and I have found through Bible study and prayer that there are many lies leveled against us throughout our lives that cause us to hate ourselves. The "peace that passes all understanding" has a lot to do with learning what is true about ourselves, in forgiveness and in love. When we are able to understand these things and learn to apply them, the truth in Christ heals. I tested this in my own life, then helped my husband see the same things, and I have seen the same process work in both of us, so I am pretty sure it works for others too. I hope you can somehow enter this peace, this rest spoken on in the Bible...

 

Thank you for the kind words. All this gets harder when we get older. There were challenges in my younger years, but I still had that vast horizon (which really was an illusion) before me. I wish I could really have the kind of mind and heart that sees that God's forgiveness is the greatest thing in life, so much so that my other problems would be seen in the right proportion. But I've become really stout-hearted the last few years. Its a wonder that I still have any seeking towards God.

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I can see where it gets harder as we get older. People have also gotten a lot meaner. But it gets easier too, because we don't have the youthful restlessness... There is something in your heart that longs for the Lord. Let that grow. I would urge you to take up a Bible and read the NT, at least one Gospel, then read from Acts to Jude and see what speaks to you. I think you might find something there.

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I can relate to this. I try (try being the key word) to restrain myself better these days, but I used to (and I hate to admit this) go off on people in debates and stuff online. I used wit as a weapon and was always looking for the "gotcha!" I was angry, and I think I was just looking for someone to take it out on. I feel bad about that. People online aren't the cause of my troubles, and they don't deserve that.

 

Anger, to me it seems, is just another form of fear. Fear can include a lot of things including insecurity. By being the "smart guy," or being right, I could make myself feel better for a minute. Then, I just ended up feeling worse afterward.

 

I had to do some soul searching, work to drive out fear/anger. Of course, it's a work in progress. That just means I need to pray a lot. I'll pray for you too.

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I can relate to this. I try (try being the key word) to restrain myself better these days, but I used to (and I hate to admit this) go off on people in debates and stuff online. I used wit as a weapon and was always looking for the "gotcha!" I was angry, and I think I was just looking for someone to take it out on. I feel bad about that. People online aren't the cause of my troubles, and they don't deserve that.

 

Anger, to me it seems, is just another form of fear. Fear can include a lot of things including insecurity. By being the "smart guy," or being right, I could make myself feel better for a minute. Then, I just ended up feeling worse afterward.

 

I had to do some soul searching, work to drive out fear/anger. Of course, it's a work in progress. That just means I need to pray a lot. I'll pray for you too.

 

 

This is exactly what I am talking about. Looking for the gotchas; humiliating my "opponents."

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This is exactly what I am talking about. Looking for the gotchas; humiliating my "opponents."

 

Then, I think the first step is to stop thinking of others (especially random people) as "opponents." I'm saying this with concern, not judgment.

 

From my perspective, and going by my own past actions, there seems to be something missing or something wrong in your life. Getting to the root of that problem should help you feel less like attacking other people. There may be some bitterness or lack of forgiveness that is being harbored (fear, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, can all work together to create a bad situation). You may be angry at someone and not even realize it but be taking that anger out on other people. That's what was going on with me, anyway.

 

As long as you're looking for answers, I think you're moving in the right direction. You've identified a problem, now you just have to work on solutions.

 

Best wishes.

Edited by thisnthat

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This is exactly what I am talking about. Looking for the gotchas; humiliating my "opponents."

 

Praying for your opponent before engaging them helps, personally. And also repenting from that arrogant thought after making my case, like, "I really showed them". When we contend for the faith, we have clear objectives, and humiliation isn't one of them. Well lemme back track, in the OT 1 Kings 18:25-27 Elijah mocked the prophets of Baal, so I guess there is a time and place for this :)

 

God bless,

William

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Then, I think the first step is to stop thinking of others (especially random people) as "opponents." I'm saying this with concern, not judgment.

 

From my perspective, and going by my own past actions, there seems to be something missing or something wrong in your life. Getting to the root of that problem should help you feel less like attacking other people. There may be some bitterness or lack of forgiveness that is being harbored (fear, anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, can all work together to create a bad situation). You may be angry at someone and not even realize it but be taking that anger out on other people. That's what was going on with me, anyway.

 

As long as you're looking for answers, I think you're moving in the right direction. You've identified a problem, now you just have to work on solutions.

 

Best wishes.

 

I think a lot of it in my case is bitterness, and resentment. I've been this way since childhood. If there is an identifiable root here, it may be my feeling of alienation I've always carried. I think I want revenge on a world that doesn't accept me (in my mind).

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I think a lot of it in my case is bitterness, and resentment. I've been this way since childhood. If there is an identifiable root here, it may be my feeling of alienation I've always carried. I think I want revenge on a world that doesn't accept me (in my mind).

 

I'm sorry that you're suffering in this way. The good news is that God does accept you, just the way you are.

 

I recommend turning to Him. Ask him to help you. He will.

 

Try to rid yourself of the bitterness and resentment (this usually includes forgiving those who have hurt you or done you wrong). That doesn't mean you excuse their actions. What they did was still wrong. It just means trying to let go. We need to forgive others just like God forgives us. I'm saying this to you, but it's also a reminder for myself.

 

 

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I'm reading all the replies here, and they're all good advice. But due to my sleep apnea, I still wake up really tired. It's hard not to be bitter, even with God. When I think that I have to live the rest of my life wiped out, I am laid low. I find myself pining for death; living is so exhausting. I went to my doctor the other day and blew a wad for nothing. Just some garbage meds that made me feel worse. Of course with doctors there is no refund. A casino is a better place to spend your money than a doctor; even if you lose there is still the food court.

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Here is an article of WebMD which discusses some treatments for sleep apnea:

 

http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/sleep-apnea/sleep-apnea-treatments

 

 

Oh, believe me, I've read everything there is to read about this, used a cpap, communicated with other sufferers, spent much money on doctors and treatment; I still wake up exhausted. And there is nothing in this life that's worth dragging myself through the day.

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I'm reading all the replies here, and they're all good advice. But due to my sleep apnea, I still wake up really tired. It's hard not to be bitter, even with God. When I think that I have to live the rest of my life wiped out, I am laid low. I find myself pining for death; living is so exhausting. I went to my doctor the other day and blew a wad for nothing. Just some garbage meds that made me feel worse. Of course with doctors there is no refund. A casino is a better place to spend your money than a doctor; even if you lose there is still the food court.

 

This explains a lot. No one can be at their best when they feel exhausted all the time. Feeling like there is no recourse can also lead to issues including depression.

 

Not sleeping is just miserable. Being afraid to go to sleep because you might not breathe properly and get enough oxygen is also exhausting, making matters worse.

 

I'd much rather focus on healthy eating, exercising, and most of all praying, instead of taking the designer drug of the day.

Edited by thisnthat

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This explains a lot. No one can be at their best when they fee exhausted all the time. Feeling like there is no recourse can also lead to issues including depression.

 

Not sleeping is just miserable. Being afraid to go to sleep because you might not breathe properly and get enough oxygen is also exhausting, making matters worse.

 

I'd much rather focus on healthy eating, exercising, and most of all praying, instead of taking the designer drug of the day.

 

I'm far too tired to exercise. And I can't seem to pray without a bunch of expletives and blasphemies pouring out. God won't help me, so I can't help but feel bitter towards him. I suppose he will show me what pain really is to remind me who's boss.

 

I'll take any med that will help; so far nothing has.

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I'll take any med that will help; so far nothing has.

Have you considered the possibility that some of your meds may be causing your problems?

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I'm far too tired to exercise. And I can't seem to pray without a bunch of expletives and blasphemies pouring out. God won't help me, so I can't help but feel bitter towards him. I suppose he will show me what pain really is to remind me who's boss.

 

I'll take any med that will help; so far nothing has.

 

God may not help you in your timing, but I believe He will help you. You have to trust Him though, which can be challenging when we feel like He's not hearing our pleas for help. Instead of cursing Him, try just talking to Him. Even if all you can say is "help," keep saying it. I believe the Holy Spirit will intervene for you once you confess and try to change your attitude.

 

I'm not judging. I know it's difficult and frustrating and makes you feel angry and hurt. It's almost like a parent who you feel isn't taking care of you... but if I've learned anything it's that God has His own timing. Sometimes, we suffer because we need to learn something from it. Maybe you'll go on to find a cure for apnea or start a support group or something. We just never know what He has in mind and it's hard to see any positives when the situation feels dire.

 

I'm still praying for you.

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Have you considered the possibility that some of your meds may be causing your problems?

 

My problem with sleep started before I took any meds. As of now I take less than half of a prescription sleeping pill. My problem is my throat collapses when I sleep and I don't get enough oxygen. However, even with cpap I am still wiped out, even if the data shows that I am "treated"

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God may not help you in your timing, but I believe He will help you. You have to trust Him though, which can be challenging when we feel like He's not hearing our pleas for help. Instead of cursing Him, try just talking to Him. Even if all you can say is "help," keep saying it. I believe the Holy Spirit will intervene for you once you confess and try to change your attitude.

 

I'm not judging. I know it's difficult and frustrating and makes you feel angry and hurt. It's almost like a parent who you feel isn't taking care of you... but if I've learned anything it's that God has His own timing. Sometimes, we suffer because we need to learn something from it. Maybe you'll go on to find a cure for apnea or start a support group or something. We just never know what He has in mind and it's hard to see any positives when the situation feels dire.

 

I'm still praying for you.

 

No, it's done. Three years into this and God has been silent. I asked for healing; he said no. I asked for effective medical treatment; he said know. I asked for his presences so this wouldn't be my whole world; he said no. So now I say no. Maybe there just isn't any "god". His silence looks remarkably like non-existence. Either way, I'm on my own. I was wrong to think that seeking God this time around would result in anything. I knocked and the door was not opened. I asked and did not receive. The yoke is not easy and the burden is not light. It never was.

 

This will be my last post here, there's just nothing more to say.

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No, it's done.

Three years into this and God has been silent.

I asked for healing; he said no.

I asked for effective medical treatment; he said know.

I asked for his presences so this wouldn't be my whole world; he said no.

So now I say no. Maybe there just isn't any "god".

His silence looks remarkably like non-existence.

Either way, I'm on my own.

I was wrong to think that seeking God this time around would result in anything.

I knocked and the door was not opened.

I asked and did not receive.

The yoke is not easy and the burden is not light.

It never was.

This will be my last post here, there's just nothing more to say.

 

 

I asked for strength that I might achieve;

I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health that I might do greater things;

I was given infirmity that I might do better things.

I asked for riches that I might be happy;

I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power that I might have the praise of men;

I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life;

I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I had asked for,

but everything that I had hoped for.

Almost despite myself my unspoken prayers were answered;

I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

 

- Unknown Confederate soldier

 

Ever hear the story of the man that knocked, pushed, shoved, and kicked at the door to open. He attempted several times and after awhile he collapsed in exhaustion. While he breathed heavily in defeat, gasping for air, the door opened, not in the way he expected but opposite of his attempts.

 

I used to wear an oriental blessing, a symbol around my neck that stood for three areas of blessings: "health, wealth, and family". It hung from a golden chain in front of my heart. I never counted my blessings back then each day, and until the day they were stripped and I was made low in health, wealth, and family I never saw the value in them. I must say, I recognize the irony now, the blessings for riches in those areas were shallow compared to a heart of gold. Such a heart's value cannot be known until those others things were lost. What good is health, wealth, and family when they were not appreciated? I mind as well of buried each of those blessings in the ground, for they were not appreciated.

 

I was never taught the value of something when young, at least it wouldn't be until my later years through the infancy stage in the Christian faith I then lost everything, but not God. Health, wealth, and family, how I cringed and loathed the thought of being put to the test like Job. Family, Jesus said He would divide even them, and just look at the sacrifice Abraham was asked to give. Nothing else before God!

 

I now muse, life and suffering, what good is one without the other? Is life not worth suffering, when it slips our grip isn't it worth clinging to? I would never of valued life should it not of slipped my grasp.

 

Sometimes I get so bitter that I swear off Christianity, but I keep coming back. Not out of fear, but after a day or two of rage I find myself quietly asking God to forgive me. I really don't know what that says about me, if I am a phony in all this or hopefully God is really patient with me. Thoughts?

 

You know what they call a prize fighter that perseveres to the very end? A person with heart, and that heart in Christianity is from above, a heart after God's own. When they are facing death for His name's sake, or suffering well for the Father's glory, like a prize fighter that relentlessly receives blow after blow as the air rushes from the nostrils with each blunt force, he stands, he rises above the rest, and he perseveres to the very end.

 

Have you ever seen a fighter only give half of his heart? Imagine what that looks like in the face of defeat, you could surely count each moment one through ten as he lays there on the mat.

 

As that prize fighter that only fights with half a heart, I laid dead on the mat. I was dead in my sins and trespasses before God. It is when men receive a heart after God's own, from above.

 

Receiving God was through subtractions for God stripped and cleansed me from my idols, and not additions.

 

You will be in my prayers, BubbaJack. And it my brotherly advice to suggest that if for any reason you do not pray, then pray to God to take those reasons too away. -Minus -Minus -Minus.

 

God bless,

William

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Bubbajack I really don't know what to say. Your trials have been hard. The fact is there are rarely any easy or simple answers. I am not the kind of person who can tell it will be all right, everything will be fine. I don't know. The only thing I am sure of is that if you reject God, then you have lost everything that gives life meaning. How much better off would you be then? God owes us nothing. I know that everyone points to Job as the prime example of suffering and loss. It is Job's overall attitude concerning his situation that give me the most comfort.

 

“Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”

 

We must accept the will of God even if we do not like it. I cannot say this applies to you but I pray you will consider it before you reject God.

Edited by Origen
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No, it's done. Three years into this and God has been silent. I asked for healing; he said no. I asked for effective medical treatment; he said know. I asked for his presences so this wouldn't be my whole world; he said no. So now I say no. Maybe there just isn't any "god". His silence looks remarkably like non-existence. Either way, I'm on my own. I was wrong to think that seeking God this time around would result in anything. I knocked and the door was not opened. I asked and did not receive. The yoke is not easy and the burden is not light. It never was.

 

This will be my last post here, there's just nothing more to say.

 

While you may not post again (but I hope you change your mind), maybe you'll read this.

 

Maybe He didn't say no. Maybe He said "wait."

 

I don't think you believe that. I think you know there is a God and you're ticked off at Him.

 

If your earthly parents didn't answer you right away, you wouldn't decide that they don't exist. You'd be ticked, but you'd still know they were real.

 

The door was not opened ... yet. Or, maybe there is another door waiting to be opened but you can't see it. God doesn't always do things the way we would do it or the way we want Him to do it or in our timing.

 

My heart hurts for you, and I'm praying for you.

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