The Christian life is a personal intimate relationship between you and Christ. This life begins in faith (Ephesians 2:8-9) and can only be lived by faith.

I am convinced I may be reprobate...

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • I am convinced I may be reprobate...

    I have been dealing with this off and on for a little over 4 years now.

    To make a long story short, I had an experience 4 years ago in which I truly believed I was saved. I became aware of my hopelessness to save myself and, fearing going to Hell, I cried out to God. And after a few days I just found myself believing Christ paid it all for me. I don't know where it came from - it just started happening. And I'd spend all day and night in prayer and in the word - just for the sake of experiencing Christ. Well, a couple months later I went back in to my sin and began serving my flesh and worldly pleasures all over again. I was back at square 1. Only now, I'm probably even worse off than that. And so certain parts of scripture, like Hebrews 6 and 10 have been gnawing at me since then.

    I have talked with people off and on about this. I've heard all the warnings, and I've heard all the promises of hope if I submit to Christ. But I have willfully continued on in sin. I know the sin I commit as I'm doing it. But I always do it anyway. I clean up for a little while, but I always fall back down without fail. I become numb to my sin until the fear of going to Hell is strong enough for me to reach out and try to get help - then the cycle starts all over again. So I don't know if it's worth trying to reach out again. I've been talking with someone, but I don't know if they get what I'm trying to say.I'm not good at communicating, and stumble over my words to the point where it all just sounds like nonsense coming out of my mouth.

    I have continuously, willfully, even gladly abused the mercy of Christ. I do not know if I'm saved, but I really don't think I am. So let's just go with that. I'm not saved. And yet, I feel content? Why? I should be terrified, but I'm not. I'd rather just continue on like I have been. I'm worried that I'm not worried. Now, time and time again people have said "well, you are concerned about your salvation, so you aren't reprobate". What I'm concerned with is being left hopeless; being left with Hell alone. That doesn't mean anything. I'm just a sinner who has a better idea about where he's headed than most others. My concern is not that Christ is not big enough to forgive my sin, but that I have so hardened my heart that I am unable to truly repent and put my hope in Christ. The past 4 years could be evidence of this. It's not the size of my sin - it's the nature of it. (Again, Heb. 6 and 10).

    MY MAIN QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS: I'm not even sure how to believe on Christ. If Christ died for only a select few (and I believe he did), then for me to believe I would have to presume I am in fact one of those wouldn't I? I shouldn't expect hope at this point, but is there any left for someone like me? I don't think I have any real sense of guilt for my sins. I think it really is just a fear of going to Hell - which itself waxes and wanes, so to speak. If I have nothing - not even a right sense of my sin, or genuine guilt of any degree - can I still be saved? Must I first seek to make my heart soft, and then seek Christ? Should I even bother seeking Christ at this point? Do I just come to him, lacking any guilt or shame, and just ask him for mercy anyway? I don't know what it is I truly desire in my heart of hearts, but I just recognize in my mind that I should probably be seeking Christ, or else I go to Hell. I've done that time after time after time, and nothing ever came of it (though my own fault of course). If I did it again, why would it be any different this time?

    I just don't see Christ being able to save me right now. And like I said, this isn't anything new. I had a crisis a few months ago, met someone who talked me through a lot of stuff. I changed my ways for a while, but here I am again delving headfirst in sin. Every time I find myself in this spot I am more and more convinced that I'm a truly hopeless case. It probably isn't proper for me to be here asking all this, but I thought I'd try. What do you think of all this?

    P.S: Before anyone mentions it, I have talked with my own pastor about it. He is a good pastor, but I don't think he has the right idea about what being reprobate means and so I'm not sure how helpful he would be.

  • #2
    Hi Aedaz,

    Quick question to begin with. Which Presbyterian church do you belong?

    God bless,
    William
    Comment>

    • #3
      Originally posted by william View Post
      hi aedaz,

      quick question to begin with. Which presbyterian church do you belong?

      God bless,
      william
      pca.
      Comment>

      • #4
        Originally posted by Aedaz View Post

        pca.
        Hello Aedaz,

        I'd like to encourage you further to share more of your issues. I hope that you find fellowship here and it is a fruitful experience.

        So you're a Five Point Calvinist? Are you studied on the doctrine of Total Depravity: Total Depravity Verse List -Christforums

        The reason why I ask is because there should be no question as to whether you're a sinner and in "dire" need of a savior.

        You ask whether you should seek for a softened heart: What does "Rebirth", "Born Again", "Born from Above" or "Regeneration" Mean? -Christforums

        This is not something accomplished by men. But to answer your question, if Regeneration has not taken place yet, you should pray for Regeneration. It is my opinion though since you desire God that you indeed show fruits of Regeneration.

        I think it would help to self examine yourself and identify whether your doubts are emotional or intellectual in nature? Here's an article that may help: How Should a Christian Deal with Doubt? -Christforums

        Once you have done that, perhaps we can help you more? Fellowship can even help fan those dying embers and renew your passion for the Lord. Something we sometimes neglect as we get caught up in the world. Sometimes young members neglect their spiritual life, and when they sense they are not growing in the faith or their convictions strengthened, they think God has abandoned them, when in fact they may be receiving conviction, don't ignore God's grace that may be drawing you towards the church community.

        Don't put off your Pastor. The PCA is a good solid church, it is very rare to find one delinquent in doctrine. The first thing I think you should really address is your doubting to go and meet with your Pastor. Don't be separated and isolated from your church community. That is counter-productive.

        God bless,
        William
        Comment>

        • #5
          Originally posted by William View Post

          Hello Aedaz,

          I'd like to encourage you further to share more of your issues. I hope that you find fellowship here and it is a fruitful experience.

          So you're a Five Point Calvinist? Are you studied on the doctrine of Total Depravity: Total Depravity Verse List -Christforums

          The reason why I ask is because there should be no question as to whether you're a sinner and in "dire" need of a savior.

          You ask whether you should seek for a softened heart: What does "Rebirth", "Born Again", "Born from Above" or "Regeneration" Mean? -Christforums

          This is not something accomplished by men. But to answer your question, if Regeneration has not taken place yet, you should pray for Regeneration. It is my opinion though since you desire God that you indeed show fruits of Regeneration.

          I think it would help to self examine yourself and identify whether your doubts are emotional or intellectual in nature? Once you have done that, perhaps we can help you more? Fellowship can even help fan those dying embers and renew your passion for the Lord. Something we sometimes neglect as we get caught up in the world. Sometimes young members neglect their spiritual life, and we sense they are not growing in the faith or their convictions strengthened, they think God has abandoned them, when in fact they may be receiving conviction drawing them towards the church community.

          God bless,
          William


          I have understood all of that, and I have prayed for regeneration time and time again. Yet I continuously, and probably will continue to, sin willfully. My concerns don't just come from how I feel. I've been working through this for 4 years. I simply look at my life, and compare it with scripture. And it doesn't add up to what a Christian's life should look like. Not only that, but it seems at times to reflect that of someone who is reprobate. I think a good illustration to what my life looks like is Pharaoh in Exodus. Each time Moses came to him he hardened his heart, until about the 5th(?) time it started saying that God hardened his heart. Pharaoh would repent to a certain degree out of fear, but would always fall back. It wasn't that he was unsavable. It was that he was unrepentable. I feel as though the stories of Cain and Esau relate to me as well. I hold my life up next to examples like that and the shoe seems to fit. And it continues to fit. But I do not say with 100% certainty - either because I'm afraid to, or I'm just holding out for the possibility that I'm wrong.

          Now I know different people will read in to the accounts of biblical figures differently, so maybe I have it wrong. But I do hope that gives a good illustration as to how my life has looked like. Yes, I understand Christians sin. But they posses fruit as well. And I do not think I do.
          Comment>

          • #6
            Dear Aedaz,
            Being 'saved' (have been/are being/will be) makes no one perfect in this present life.

            Christianity is comprised of two parts:
            THE GIFT
            Which is that of eternal life which, once received, cannot be taken away.
            THE PRIZE
            Which is only for those who are "accounted worthy"; having 'earned' it, and it is to live and reign with Christ (via the first resurrection) for the period immediately prior to the 'Judgement Seat of Christ'.
            All however, via the second resurrection, must stand before the Judgement Seat of Christ, when those 'of faith' (however weak or strong) will, in addition to having at least some work of faith (likened metaphorically to "gold, silver, or precious stones") also have works which metaphorically are comprised of "wood, hay, or stubble', (and that includes addictions such as yours) and these are burned away and purified so that you may thereby be ("saved yet so as through fire")
            After such purification the believer will finally be made sinlessly fit to enter the eternal presence of God in his New Jerusalem. and enjoy whatever God has in store in his "house of many mansions".
            Forget 'hell', there's no such thing ..... only 'Gehenna, Hades, or Tartarus', all mistranslated by the King James' translators who lazily latched onto a word of Middle Age pagan origination that was etched into their psyche (Young's Literal Translation carefully avoids that mistake).
            I'd love to help further if you wish and pray that God will lighten your anguish with his loving care.
            God bless....Mike.
            Comment>

            • #7
              Hi Aedaz! Good to meet you! Sometimes I think it's more natural for us humans to sin than to not. I sin, all the time. We all do. Every other thought running through our brains could be classified as a sin. Nobody can totally and completely keep the 10 commandments, and it's only 10!!! Adam and Eve couldn't keep just one commandment, so how are we expected to keep as many as 10? Truth is, Jesus KNOWS we can't NOT sin. He knows that. That's why He died on the cross for our sins, because otherwise, none of us would ever make it to Heaven and God doesn't want Heaven to be empty. The fact that you are questioning is a good thing, because from questions come answers. The answers never come all at once, but one at a time, when we need them the most. We are sinners, plain and simple. Once we understand that, it sort of helps us to relax a little bit and realize that, hey, God doesn't expect me to be His clone. He knows I can't do that, He knows I will fall on my face every single time. Christians who tell us that they have 'died' to sin are only kidding themselves... they haven't lost the ability to sin and they know it. Still, it sounds great to say it to a seeking person.

              Christians are not dead to sin. Nope. None of us are and none of us ever have been or ever will be. Let's just get our minds set on that and things become easier to deal with. What Christians really are, are sinners saved by Grace. That means the freely given mercy of God, Who loves us beyond belief and wants as many of us as possible to live with Him in Heaven. Christianity is not a religion. It's not a set of strictly kept rules. It is a close, personal relationship with Jesus. That is something that is just as flexible as any other relationship we humans have. You may have one or two very close friends and several so-so friends who come and go. That is kind of how we should think of our relationship with Christ...how do we make THIS relationship worth keeping? How do we make it stronger and healthier? Truthfully, Jesus doesn't move away from us. We move away from Him, and what you've described sounds pretty much like a story any and all of us could share. My advice... Hang in there. Reach out your hand because Jesus isn't very far away. Nope, not far at all. Hugs! :)
              Comment>

              • #8
                Good post, Novelangel.
                Hugs indeed.
                Comment>

                • #9
                  First of all, do not be discouraged. It just sounds like you are going through some growing pains in your walk with God. Second, realize that even though Jesus has paid our debt does not mean we, as humans, will no longer sin. We are humans, and it is our nature to sin. The difference, though, for a Christian is that we are no longer under the power of sin, meaning we will not have to pay that ultimate price, as Jesus has already taken care of it on the cross. Whenever you find yourself doubting aspects of your relationship with God realize that it is just Satan trying to undermine your faith. That is a perfect time to stop and pray for God to give you the strength to rebuke anything that is not of Him. This is literally part of living in faith. A Christian life is a journey that will have many twists, turns, hills, valleys, etc... Just keep your eye on the prize (eternity with God), and He will see you through it.
                  Comment>

                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Knotical View Post
                    A Christian life is a journey that will have many twists, turns, hills, valleys, etc.


                    Comment>

                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Way of the Spirit View Post
                      Is she related to Michael Tate?
                      Comment>

                      • #12
                        We as humans are flawed and sinful so as long as you're aware of that you can work toward being better. Just honestly repent and then do better, especially when you know you're doing wrong. God forgives as long as you repent. Walking with God is supposed to be hard because you have to actively chose God over the flesh. God understands this and will be patient as long as you continually work on being better despite your flaws.
                        Comment>

                        • #13
                          I appreciate your honesty
                          Let me say that God being omniscient doesn't save someone to lose them down the road.
                          If you are a son / daughter of God you still are. We might not be a good son or daughter but one none the less.
                          If you can look back and say 'at that time...' drive down the stake and don't let Satan tell you different. Feed on the whole Word at a good church and let God do the cleaning in your live because you.are not looking for a reformation of your own doing but a transformation.
                          You know the three steps: Justification Santification and being Sealed in and put in service.
                          It sounds like you have been beat down by poor instruction.
                          Comment>

                          • #14
                            I can really relate, My Christian life started when I asked Jesus into my heart when I was 5 years old But I neglected my spiritual life and would only pray the odd time like in church or at night I would please the blood over me and my family and friends. I was very rational and scientific even when I was young I was always tried to make sense of the Bible and science and tried to get them to fit together but some of the things in the bible sounded quite hard to believe to me but I still kept believing but I began calling myself an agnostic (not an atheist, I still wouldn't want to be an atheist or anything like that) (I even thought it was cool to be an agnostic which is a lie from the devil) saying I don't know if I believe or not but still want to believe. I wanted God to give me a sign I was asking for signs quite a lot, never felt like I got any but still held onto my belief then I started hearing about big bang and evolution in school and I started to believe that God created the big bang since it says in the bible "God created the heavens and the earth" and it says "he flung the stars into space" so that sounds quite compatible with big bang so maybe that is part of how God created the universe and I started to think that creation wasn't actually days but actually some period of time. So I was starting to change parts of the bible without realising it, the bible even warns about this and you should believe everything in the bible to be true. This is just one way I was neglecting my faith, from when I was young I had a fascination in evil I would draw the evil characters out of my favourite shows and movies and when I got older I started listening to heavy metal and marvelled at it. The bible also warns "do not marvel at evil" I became arrogant as I got older I thought I was smarter I always knew best other people s ideas where just stupid, I was always lieing and deceiving and liked to take advantage of others I also stole sweets from the corner every week out of pier pressure trying to be 'cool' until I got caught and told never to come back I would always defend myself and try my best to get myself out of situations by lieing and getting other people blamed and I thought I was so clever cause I was able to trick people so well I even practised being deceitful and always used my brothers to get them in trouble instead even in school I would do the same thing by deceiving teachers and class mates I didn't even think I was doing anything wrong so never even repented of it. and if that wasn't enough my neighbour got me into lust from a young age I was 8 at the time and I was searching for nude pictures of women on the internet from a young age not even realising it was a sin then when I was older I went onto porn websites and started masturbating for years not even thinking it was wrong my whole life I was so neave. I would repent of certain sins such as lies and things I said back and I knew I was still a Christian as I remember having a fear of God and didn't want to go hell ever. But became so unaware of all the sin my life and wasn't reading my bible.

                            So at age 14 or 15 my life was about to become a living hell, I was on the way to church with my family we were in the car and I had this sudden feeling like I got struck by something so sudden my life instantly changed I was extremely terrified, confused, and became really lustful towards men, I am afraid that this was God I seen my life and I was consistently sinning and I'm afraid I'm cut off from God. So I'm now 18 years old and over the last 3 or 4 years I've been fighting and wrestling these thoughts and feelings I was so panicked and dressed, I had no patience with anyone I kept lashing out my mum and dad and little brother who I used to love. My whole world was distorted, I thought only of my self, but I fought on resisting the homosexual feelings, kept telling myself I don't want to be a Homosexual, and after an extremely long battle of despair things have calmed down since and I am no longer lustful towards men, I am beginning to get less self centered, I went through a period of anxiety a few months ago and I would quake and shiver in fear and worry but it has gradually calmed down from then so I am feeling like if God has abandoned me and given me over to my sin then why have things improved in my life so is he helping me, is he giving me a second chance, I still dont know but live in fear of during and going to hell because my hard is very hardened now and I've prayed for God to soften it but it feels like Im unable to pray to God as I'm cut off and unable to speak about my problems also my mind wants to repent of sins but my heart can't repent. I also feel like I have no conscience. I still feel terrible if I cause people hurt but I still feel like part of me is missing I don't like my young self anymore I feel like something has changed in me I've felt different since that point in my life when things changed. My mind knows whats best for me but me I feel like my heart is refusing God is there hope for me?
                            Comment>
                            Working...
                            X
                            Articles - News - SiteMap