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albert.gamedev

Girlfriend slept with her cousin

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Hi there,

 

I am new to this forum and I apologize if my English isn't very good since it is not my first language. Please go easy on me, as I am here asking for help and I have tried to write this as neutral as possible to not offend anyone.

 

I have been struggling for 10 years with a problem that has caused me to suffer from depression, extreme anxiety, social withdrawal and lack of confidence. This along with my OCD is making me want to kill myself. I have been in and out of therapy, but I feel it is useless since therapist would just leave me to talk alone for an hour and that's it. I really need help and would like to know your opinions about this.

 

I have tried searching for people who has been struggling with the same problem as I do, but they all get bashed on relationship forums, quora etc. The problem is that people don't believe anymore in "saving it for that special person". People in these sites also admit they have slept with tons of people before. Would they care if their wife/husband had a past? I don't think so.

 

I have a 10 year old relationship with my current girlfriend. I know, weird.... We haven't married because of us moving to the US for university. Half way in our undergrad, both her dad and my dad passed away suddenly. They were still in their 50's. Marriage is not a priority for us right now, because we have been struggling economically here as international students. She has thought about having kids, but I don't because that kid is going to live in misery in our current situation.

 

I am 29, she is 27. I was a virgin still at the age of 20, had 6 failed and very short relationships. She lost hers at the age of 13 to her first boyfriend. Then she slept with some random dude who happened to be a room mate. She also confessed to me early on in the relationship, that she had slept with her cousin. This one bothers me a lot since they are very close, they still talk to each other about relationships and sometimes the guy would talk about sex with their girlfriends.

 

Their parents had a Saturday routine of going to the Casino and would leave both of them, along with other cousins at home alone. Pretty sure it happened during one of those nights.

 

Our families can't be more different. Ours are traditional, old fashioned, rigid, very strict. I grew up with this "I should wait till the right moment" mentality from my parents and grandparents. I should respect women and not fooling around like most men do. Sex is something only discussed in private between husband and wife. This is the typical Chinese family in my home country.

 

Her family doesn't fit that in any sense, her mom married twice, and now at 55 she has a relationship with a guy who is just months older than me. Her uncles have two wives. Her aunts have online affairs with guys younger than them. What a mess! Well, to me.....

 

I have been in pain, saddened, not because I didn't get the chance to do it with other girls or anything, but because I don't feel there's anything special between us. She has seen and live it all. And because I suffer from OCD, I get all sort of thoughts and imaginary flashbacks all the time that grosses me out. I honestly don't know did we end up together because I would have never thought of having a relationship with a person like that before. I didn't gave it much thought when I was still in the early stages of relationship, but as the years go by there are times that the thoughts would come back.

 

This is specially true in my darkest moments, everything crumbles and she is not there to support me. She would just distance herself and do her own thing, while I am here struggling with depression. That's her way to help someone, leaving them alone.

 

I love her, but I don't think that I can keep living like this any longer. I honestly think I would commit suicide pretty soon, not because of this but because of so many other problems in life too. I am treating her like [email protected]#[email protected]# because of this. She is not happy, I am not happy, but it is also very hard to move on after 10 years. Non of us are brave enough to take that first step.

 

What would you do? What do you think I should do? How can I cope with this?

 

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I think you need find a real woman for a wife, she will keep sleeping around. I think if you put your foot down and say you had enough you would have a new sence of self respect and value.

 

I have to ask, are you a Christian? What do you live for? What has significant in life?

Because with Christ you find something to live for, you find eternal significance! All of life is waste if not living for God's future.

 

Welcome to the forums by the way. I'll be praying for you.

 

​​​​​​And your English is excellent.

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I think you need find a real woman for a wife, she will keep sleeping around. I think if you put your foot down and say you had enough you would have a new sence of self respect and value.

 

I have to ask, are you a Christian? What do you live for? What has significant in life?

Because with Christ you find something to live for, you find eternal significance! All of life is waste if not living for God's future.

 

Welcome to the forums by the way. I'll be praying for you.

 

​​​​​​And your English is excellent.

 

Thanks a lot for your response innerfire89!

 

She has really changed. Those events happened in her teenage years before she met me. A lot of people say I am being stupid for thinking on these things, specially if I can't change anything about her past. Even though it has happened a long time ago, I struggle to forget her past. I can't stand to be around her family and her cousin.

 

I used to go to church when I was younger but stopped going at the age of 19. Because of my previous church I distanced myself from that for a very long time, I am more of an Agnostic now, but I have thought of going back again.

 

My girlfriend reacted pretty badly one time, when I suggested that we should try going to church, as if I was going to take away her freedom. She even told me that we should break up!

 

This made me really sad, because even though I am not the best Christian out there this made me feel as if she doesn't regret her past at all.

 

She feels that this is an opportunity for me to forbid her from watching the shows she loves, listen to the music she loves etc. I can understand that, I hate the mainstream media, everything is about sex, everything is about violence.

 

 

 

 

 

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Thanks a lot for your response innerfire89!

 

She has really changed. Those events happened in her teenage years before she met me. A lot of people say I am being stupid for thinking on these things, specially if I can't change anything about her past. Even though it has happened a long time ago, I struggle to forget her past. I can't stand to be around her family and her cousin.

 

I used to go to church when I was younger but stopped going at the age of 19. Because of my previous church I distanced myself from that for a very long time, I am more of an Agnostic now, but I have thought of going back again.

 

My girlfriend reacted pretty badly one time, when I suggested that we should try going to church, as if I was going to take away her freedom. She even told me that we should break up!

 

This made me really sad, because even though I am not the best Christian out there this made me feel as if she doesn't regret her past at all.

 

She feels that this is an opportunity for me to forbid her from watching the shows she loves, listen to the music she loves etc. I can understand that, I hate the mainstream media, everything is about sex, everything is about violence.

 

 

 

 

 

Doubt happens sometimes. Every direction you look is something that tells you not to believe. But faith actually comes from God, it's given to us. I pray that God brings back a new and stronger faith.

 

To your girlfriend and many others Christianity is oppression to them. Disobeying God is human nature. But what we've come to realize is that God's commands are good for us. God commands us to keep sex in marriage, when we do we get stds, we don't have those past regrets, and when we do marry our spouses don't have to think that they're being compared to someone else. God's commands give us purity. But don't feel bad about losing your virginity, everyone has a past.

​​​​​

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Ten years Is a Long time to be in a relationship. Sometimes the familiarity of a relationship feels better than the prospect of No relationship. I'd move on. We were all born single. Marriage is meant to be a very special , close special relationship between two believers. And LOTS of marriages are more secular in nature. God is not a part of them.

 

There's been a 'discussion' going on regarding dating and courtship. Dating is simply taking time to be with another person who you like to be around. Going shopping together -- whatever -- getting to know each other. Talking -- going to church together.

 

Courting is being around the other person's family. Getting to know him/ her in the context of their family living / interactions. If it's possible, it's a good idea. But lots of times -- job locations -- schooling -- family locations make courting not practical.

 

Some families are very close and their kids marry within the community / dating and courting happen kind of naturally.

 

And your OCD does complicate your situation. It comes in lots of forms and can be helped a lot with counseling / medication.

 

Lots of times life does not give us Easy situations to deal with. And there are a lot of not easily answered questions.

 

Make small changes in your Own routine. Maybe find a different route to work or classes or to church. Get to know a pastor in a Bible-teaching church.

 

The counselor I was with for two years said -- is change Easy - NO -- is it Possible -- Yes.

 

I struggle myself. My husband has PSTD -- we're Lots older. The differences in our personalities come through lots more these years. And I've had somewhat of a problem with Seasonal Affective Disorder. S.A.D.

 

And, yes, everyone Does have a past. Marriage is an option.

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I feel so much better when reading your replies. Thanks a lot everyone!

 

I did tried spending time with her family, but it's so difficult and awkward to be around them because of the aforementioned lifestyle they have. It's even worse to be around her cousin. I can't stand seeing them together, or taking pictures together. I have OCD rituals where I have to clean stuff, prevent contamination in foods etc to "protect her and keep her pure". Why am I even doing it? It doesn't makes sense, but that's what OCD does. Without these rituals, our relationship doesn't exist in my mind.

 

I feel bad for her that she also has to follow my rituals, I also treat her badly, I would tell her how dumb she is, how unrefined she is... etc etc. I am a terrible person, and no matter what kind of past she had, she doesn't deserve to live or be treated like this either. I have told her that we should break it off but she doesn't want to either.

 

I am going to take it slow, I am confused and I don't know whether it is true love, attachment, familiarity or cowardice (fear of not being able to find love again) that is making it difficult to move on. I will first try going to a church, whether she follows me or not, whether she can cope with my lifestyle change, may or may not determine if we should stay together or not.

 

Thanks again Innerfire89, William and Sue. I appreciate your opinions. God bless you all.

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You're welcome and Merry Christmas.

 

It sort of sounds like you're both trapped in the familiar -- get with a good pastor regarding your OCD.

 

The only person You can change / do anything about is YOU.

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Hello and welcome @albert.gamedev, I'm glad you are here.

 

I am more of an Agnostic now

 

Please explain why you say you are an agnostic now. Is there some aspect of God or Christianity that you are unsure about? What would you say you do believe about God, or Jesus or religion?

 

Thanks, and I will pray for you. God bless.

 

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Albert, welcome to the Forum. I have feeling by what you have said (in perfect English by the way) that you have never really decided to truly become a FOLLOWER of Jesus Christ. Just because you have heard that Jesus is Gods Son and that He died for your sins, does not make you a Christian.

 

I wonder if you have given much thought about what sin really is? The best guide for what sin is, and Gods expectations we look at Exodus 20:1-17 the TEN COMMANDMENTS. Verses 3. You shall have no other gods before me. 4. You shall make for yourself no idol. 7. You shall not take the name of the LORD your GOD in vain. 8. Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy. 12. Honor your father and mother, 13. You shall not murder. 14. You shall not steal. 15, You shall not bare false witness. !7. You shall not covet. There is no living person that has kept all these Commandments. Braking a single Commandment is a sin. Unless a person keeps each and very single Commandment when they die they go to Hell. But, "For God so loved the world, that He gave Hid only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life" John 3:16 The word "believe" means to "trust" to Jesus Christ and His teachings, we must FOLLOW Jesus. First we must confess that with out believing that Jesus is Gods only Son, and he alone can save us from going to hell when we die.

 

To become a believer in Jesus Christ we must confess that we now acknowledge we are sinners. There is no way we can be perfect as only Jesus Christ is perfect. Jesus has died on the Cross shedding his blood on that ugly cross for our sins. Not only did Jesus die and was buried and was in the grave for three days. The wonderful great news is that Jesus Christ rose from that grave, alive as proof that He paid the price for the sins of those who would follow Him.

 

You Albert have the choice to respond of Jesus call to come Follow Him. If you hear Jesus Call then confess your sins to Him, making confession that you need Jesus to forgive you, and that you want to turn your life from your life of sin, in other words repent from sinful living. Then you need to find a Bible Preaching, believing Church where you can openly confess that you have become a Follower of Jesus Christ and be baptized. If you don't have a Bible buy one, and begin reading it with the Book of Luke in the Luke. Reading the Bible on a daily basis is so very important as that will feed your soul.

 

After accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior the Holy Spirit will come to reside in your soul. You may never feel the Holy Spirit but you will see your thinking change, your awareness of the new life you live will change.

 

Albert I pray you will take the way Jesus offer's to you. I have prayed for you as I wrote this. God Bless and Merry Christmas.

Edited by Just Mike
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Hi!

 

I am sorry if I have offended or made any of you uncomfortable for mentioning that I was "agnostic". This is a Christian forum after all.

 

Both family and friends have abandoned me when I needed them the most. My dad who's also my friend just passed away this October, he became my best friend when I came here to the US. Now that he's gone I basically have no one to turn to, no one to talk to. It seems that people today just don't want to have a chat anymore, let alone listening to you if you have a problem.

 

I came here to seek advice because I know Christians are very good people. I tried to add some of the people I used to know in my home country in my previous church but they won't accept my friend invitation on Facebook. It is pointless to go to other (non Christian) relationship forums to ask these kind of questions because I know what their replies will be, that I am selfish, immature, manipulative person for feeling the way I do about my girlfriend's past.

 

I never claimed to be a Christian. It's true, I never became a true follower. I used to go to church and was happy to say that I was a Christian but I never felt part of the church. I was surrounded by people who didn't make me feel welcomed at all so I stopped going.

 

I already have a Bible. It was given to my by my girlfriend's grandma who wanted me to convince her to go to church. I would like to go again and I have already found a church near home.

 

Thank you all for your prayers!

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Admitting that you're agnostic is not a problem -- it's simply being honest about yourself.

 

What country did you migrate here from?

 

For lots of people it's easier to have 'surface' friendships -- to not invest Too much time, emotional, spiritual energy into a relationship. That's sad. But we're also a very mobile society, People move around a lot due to schooling,employment , and , or natural disasters. Wide-area flooding, huge wild fires, hurricanes. People are forced to move / relocate. There are lots of people on drugs -- it's a very evil environment these days. It's satan's influence.

 

God's Word has Lots to say to us. He's made us as sociable people -- we Need other people. Preferably born-again Christian believers. A church that teaches God's Word is the best kind. Be reading the Bible that was given to you. I'm curious -- is it a KJV, NKJV , the older NIV?! If it's a Newer NIV don't bother reading it. In fact -- since you obviously use a computer in order to be 'here', Google -- NKJV -- amidst the many articles -- there will be one with Scripture included -- you can click into any book of the Bible and read it.

 

When you Do visit the church near your home -- You be friendly. You introduce yourself and see what happens.

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Albert we are here for you. We genuinely want to dialogue with you one any subject , as the Bible has the answer for just about anything.

 

Here is a question for you. What is stopping you from becoming a Follower of Jesus Christ? I love to gently and without pushing you just to talk about this.

 

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your best friend. Personally my dad and I were never close by his choice. So Albert you are blessed that you had that with your dad.

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If your relationship is making you think of suicide, then something has to change. If you can't bring yourself to break it off directly, or find yourself trying to and then falling back into old patterns, you need to make a full lifestyle change. If you can take a job in a different area, even temporarily and move away so it is hard for you to see her it might make it easier to find new people. Alternatively join new groups and clubs to keep yourselves busy and apart.

 

This is specially true in my darkest moments, everything crumbles and she is not there to support me. She would just distance herself and do her own thing, while I am here struggling with depression. That's her way to help someone, leaving them alone.
Please, ask yourself if this is really what you want in a marriage? If you have been together ten years, and she's not supporting you, do you really want to live that way for the rest of your life? Also, consider if you do get married, how will any children be raised - with her values or yours?

 

If you need help or support, we're here, and I wish you all the best because this doesn't sound like a happy situation.

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I was not able to reply back because I was in finals and now getting myself ready to find a new job once I get my employment authorization from US immigration services. I am from Panama (Panama Canal).

 

My Bible is the New International Version. Is there anything wrong with it?

 

You are right ChatterBox, I need a complete lifestyle change.

 

I believe the reason why it is also very difficult for me to just walk away is because of my dad. He gave it all so that I could join my girlfriend in the US. She came here a year into our relationship. I couldn't afford education in the US, so my parents went to China to find a way to create a new business, which ended up with my dad living alone in Honduras where he worked very hard to support me. We found out later when my dad passed away that my parents love relationship was deteriorating. My mom had to travel a lot back and forth to China for business meetings, where she met a lot of new and interesting people. You know what I mean.... whatever happened or did not happened, we will never know. She was starting to show her true colors, my dad didn't suspect a thing, but she is still my mother and there's little I can do.

 

I feel so terrible and stupid for coming in here, to pursue "happiness". I was blind....

 

 

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Here is a question for you. What is stopping you from becoming a Follower of Jesus Christ? I love to gently and without pushing you just to talk about this.

 

I will write a proper response when I get back home justme. =)

 

 

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My Bible is the New International Version. Is there anything wrong with it?

I believe that what is most important is that the Bible be read, which translation you read is less important, in my view. I think that you should read something that you find readable and easy to understand. Once you become more familiar with the Bible, then I think you can worry about the differences and perhaps fine-tune your choice if you wish.

 

The NIV is a good English translation and most people find it easy to read. In 2011 they issued a new version. One of the things they did was to introduce more "gender-neutral" language. Many people (myself included) thought that was the wrong thing to do. But, I think it is still the word of God and if you like it there is no reason not to trust it. This is my opinion and others will likely feel differently.

 

God bless and Merry Christmas, @albert.gamedev.

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Regarding which Bible you'd be reading -- the Older NIV and the New KJV are what I use.

 

And if you ask enough people about Bible translations -- you'll find KJV onlyists as well as NAS onlyists. That simply means that there are those who will Only read the King James Version and nothing else. The same thing with New American Standard version. That's All they will read. I grew up and spent many adult years in the KJV and then switched to NIV and then to the NKJV.

 

And, yes, Forget about the 2011 NIV -- it isn't worth your time reading.

 

By all means Read your Bible -- learn from it. No one understands everything they read in it.

 

Merry Christmas

 

@albert.gamedev

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