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MikeDerksen

Cancer and Mortality

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Good evening everybody. Everybody reading this I mean. Hello to others as well, but you probably won't hear it.

 

It's late, I'm tired, my mind is everywhere and nowhere and I hope I make at least a little sense.

 

I'm just gonna write something. If it's not good, just ignore it or delete it from the forum. I hope I say nothing wrong.

 

I think I'm gonna be alive for a while, I'm pretty stubborn and don't just wither, which really has kept me going thus far I suppose; but I am thinking about death quite a bit these days. (Oh, btw, in case I forgot, I have stage iv NSCLC with mets to the brain. Just finished radiation, but more needs to be done.) - And don't misunderstand, I'm not afraid to die. If anything, cancer gave me life. It did not take away anything. I'm quite happy and thankful actually.

 

But that does not negate having thoughts about death a lot. I thought about mortality before being diagnosed, too, and I think the Bible actually wants you to "number your days" (Psalm 90:12); but it's different thoughts now, and they change a lot.

 

Your perspective changes quite a bit. I mean, given I'm doing all the right things it should not happen, but there's a real possibility I just pop in a second. I have brain tumors that might constrict something, press on something, out of the blue. I'm not allowed to drive anymore. Too dangerous. The radiation, I'm pretty, pretty sure has that controlled now. But how do I know?

 

I feel good. No pain. But feeling good doesn't mean you are good internally. That beast could be growing. The one in my lungs. The brain is "just" metastases. - I do a treatment that is not FDA approved. It's a shot once a week. It seems to be working, but I won't know until October. If it's not working I could have screwed up my success rate for palliative chemo therapy. Wait too long and bad it could be.

 

So many things to consider, to research, to think about, to wonder about. Good thing I love to think. Good thing my work is okay with everything. I'm not working right now and "taking care of myself". Not that I would be very productive anyway. I'm pretty weak, dizzy sometimes, tired, headaches. I can sit on the computer well. Think. Think thoughts not requiring energy. Just don't move.

 

What did I wanna say here actually? I'm not sure. Just sharing, or babbling, or whatever thou might call it. Maybe someone else on here has cancer, had cancer, or has some input on "deadly thoughts".

 

I'm not depressed by the way. At least I don't think so. I'm just melancholic by nature and so these thoughts might come naturally to me. But they are interesting.

 

All the stuff going through your head when you think that you might not be around much longer. Gives a different perspective on things. Like: Oh, goodness, I'm not all that unique. I'm just, really just exactly just like everybody else. Nothing special. There's a real freedom in that. Really. Takes a load off you. Or to be real. Really real. If you're really real you mess up, too. Make mistakes. Have to say I'm sorry. But you can deal with it. Really deal with it. It can be fixed, settled, done, etc. Can't do that if you're wearing a mask or are fake and phony. All self-lies, things you tell yourself, they don't help. The distance between "you and you" has disappeared when you're real.

 

I'm reading a lot, thinking a lot, researching a lot, and I feel blessed to have that grace of being able to do it. I almost feel like I'm on a retreat. Strange retreat but still. - I was raised with a certain worldview. It applies to both capitalists and communists: Be productive. If you're not productive you feel kind of worthless. It's a wrong worldview, I know, but it's in me, no matter how often I tried to shake it off. To not "do" anything feels terrible. But I think I must learn that this really is life. Life is not prescribed, and certainly not by human ideas. I must be me. Not some idea. "Be" me. And be "me". Weird?

 

Anyway. I think I'm babbling now. Thanks for listening.

 

Have a great evening. I'm going to bed soon.

 

God bless.

 

Mike

 

 

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Thanks for sharing Mike. You're an inspiration, brother.

 

God bless,

William

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Thanks for sharing Mike. You're an inspiration, brother.

 

God bless,

William

 

Hi William, good morning. Thanks. - I wasn't sure if it's okay to post this here, about cancer I mean. It's not a cancer forum. I'm glad it was okay.

 

Too many musings in this little brain of mine these days :)

 

I'm happy if it brings something good.

 

Have a great day!

 

Mike

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Hi Mike

 

Man, am I sorry to hear that. My wife has had cancer twice and survived and my mom has just passed away from it.

 

There is a web site that I like, it is called cancertutor.com. I believe it is a Christian site. Take a look and look for, new to this site. Its a great place to start.

 

It will teach you the things to avoid and the things you should be eating. I hope its a help and I will keep you in prayer

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Hi Mike

 

Man, am I sorry to hear that. My wife has had cancer twice and survived and my mom has just passed away from it.

 

There is a web site that I like, it is called cancertutor.com. I believe it is a Christian site. Take a look and look for, new to this site. Its a great place to start.

 

It will teach you the things to avoid and the things you should be eating. I hope its a help and I will keep you in prayer

 

Hi Guppy,

 

Thanks. Very sorry about your mom. I'm kind of hopeful to hear about your wife. Cancer doesn't mean you're going to die. But taking it too lightly is definitely not good either.

 

I heard about CancerTutor from a friend but never checked it out. Thanks. Will do now.

 

Thanks for your prayers.

 

God bless,

 

Mike

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Dear Mike,

 

I have so many of your thoughts, & I haven't had any life threatening issues dealt to me as you have. There are so many verses in the Bible that address the reality of life, the real issue I see is are you at peace with what you

have accomplished, seen, done, said to those around you. I find my thoughts can also be prayers to God that don't always include the pomp & circumstance, because I know God is listening. He gives you this moment to reflect on who you are in your heart and be thankful for all the things you've been lucky to experience. No one knows the end of our days, even if "they" put a sentence on your existence, knowing in your heart that there will be a much better place to see. I for one have always known that God has blessed my life, and has forgiven all my bad actions & not so nice thoughts. You can always come to this forum to reflect on any & every thing you wish to share, You are always welcome here with arms wide open and God hears you in the moment no matter where you are!

 

You are loved ((((((((((Mike)))))))))))

 

God Bless you,

Donna

 

 

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