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MeeLee

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  1. MeeLee

    Hard life, why I'm here...

    Hi all, I guess I'm here to vent a bit... I've had a hard life. When I was young, my dad used to curse and fight with me every day. He always was angry, and often physically assaulted me. This resulted in me having problems in school as well. I was often picked on and bullied. My dad had tried to kick me out of the home a few times, but finally succeeded when I was 19 years old This left very deep wounds and scars in my heart for many years. At first, I just cropped them up. I didn't talk about them for years. But I noticed I became angry at him. I later forgave him, because it only hurt me, not him. When he did kick me out of the home, I never returned home again. It deeply saddened me, because I loved my mom very much, and couldn't see her anymore. She's a devout Christian. She doesn't believe in divorce. When I asked her, she said God has given her a husband, and she believes that the righteous man she once saw in him will one day return. I have to give it to you, my mom has more faith than a whole congregation of pastors together! Though I'm mostly over it (I've only seen my dad about twice in the last decade).. I found love in the pleasant presence of a younger girl. 6 years younger she was. When 4 years of friendship passed, and I fell out of touch with the people in my city and church, I decided to move and marry her. These were the most beautiful moments of my life! I loved her with a deep love! So much, that I was willing to overlook some serious relationship issues we were having. And I say 'we', because I believe I must have contributed a little somewhere as well. It wasn't only her. We had good moments and bad, but in one of her bad moments, she spilled the beans. She no longer wanted to be with me. Mind you, I crossed the ocean, gave up my home, my family, my city, my church, my hobbies, and most of my possessions, my language, just to be with her! I was upset... Tell me who wouldn't. The day she walked out the door, I was crying like a baby in bed. I couldn't believe it! I thought she would return, but she didn't. Prayed, but prayers were unanswered. Here I was, totally alone, in a strange land, no friends, no family; staring at the walls of my home. You just had to point a finger at me, and I'd start crying. But I had no other way, than to force myself to go to work, where the business of work, was the only pleasant distraction of the loss of the one thing I loved most in my life. And I let her go... I chose to give her what she wanted, at the cost of suffering for it... I was so stupid. I was angry at her as well, for doing something like this after 6,5 years of marriage! I tried dating, ended up in the arms of a caring woman, I thought... But she didn't care for me. She had her own wounds she needed tending to. When I unexpectedly arrived at her home at midnight, to surprise her, by dropping off some food items at her door she'd see in the morning, I saw another guy (her ex) entering her home. I knew what happened. At that moment I cut off my connections with her, but when I arrived at home, I felt no desire to live anymore. You'd have to know that I've been dealing with depression for decades, and rejection after rejection. The heaviest blow was my ex-wife. But I guess this woman's rejection finally was the drop. I stood in my kitchen, and was dropping all the pills in the cup. It was going to be overdose on pain killers, sleeping tablets, and a little alcohol. Hopefully a painless way to go. I had cried to God, to return her. I had waited, but 6 months nothing, and then my failure with my second relationship.. I heard a voice in my mind, as if it wasn't my own, saying "You'll not commit suicide today!" I said: "Oh no? Watch me do it!" I was so upset, that now I certainly was going to do it! As I'm pouring the drink in the cup, someone knocked at the door... I opened the door, it was my ex. She came inside screaming, raging, and threatening. "If you will stop my divorce, I will take the home from you!" I don't know what else she said anymore... At that point, I just let her scream... It didn't matter anymore... All I was thinking, was: "Great! I'm about to commit suicide, and here she is to make things worse!". When she was done, she slammed the door shut. And I remember distinctly thinking: "There is no God! I've been believing in a lie, all my life! It's sad that I realize this now... I've been a good boy for most my life, but only now to realize that all my effort were in vain". And I really felt like Jesus felt at the cross; the total absence of God. A moment of the total opposite of faith. A belief that it was all over for me. As I took the cup with the pills to my lip, the door opened. My ex stormed in, She said she was sorry, and that we could 'try again someday, perhaps'. But that was the last time I saw her. I put the cup down, believing the lie; because it really was the only thing that could have stopped me. And I just cried... Cried, because I knew she was just trying to be nice to me. Cried, because I lost... I would have... But exactly the right words in the right time, prevented me from doing it. I guess somewhere there still was the hope she'd return... And that hope stayed alive for almost 5 years. 5 years, every single day I thought of her... Hoping, praying. But I saw a trend. On the days when I was feeling sad, I'd pray for her, and notice from social media (we're not connected) that she and her now new boyfriend, was going on vacation. She seemed happy... The more I prayed, the better their relationship went. So I decided to give it one more shot! My heart, after 5 years, had changed from wanting her back, to just wishing I could just give her one more hug, one more time saying how much I loved her... Just one more time! One more time of seeing her smile; enjoying her presence... But none of that! Instead, the Lord kept telling me that I had to put the past behind me, and focus on the future. How could I? I was one flesh with her. How could I do this? Until finally, after 5 years, I got so tired, I started to pray, and pray hard. I was angry at God, not because we didn't get together anymore, but because we couldn't be friends anymore. And while it's possible for some relationships not to succeed, there should always be a friendly love between 2 people. Then the Lord answered me, He said that the time will come when we will mend. He never said our friendship will remain the wreck it is today! But someday, I'll be able to sit next to her again, and talk. That night I had a dream. I saw her. I hugged her, I was so happy! In my dream, she was learning a computer program, I had already learned. I asked her why she never asked me, I could teach her, but saw that though I understood things, I couldn't explain it to her. She had to learn it herself. When I woke, I felt relieved. I felt happy, because the computer programs she was learning, was lessons of life! She was learning lessons I already learned. And someday she will know. I understand that she wasn't meant for me. Her family is problematic, her brother is not a good person, She herself is not really a christian (anymore), has developed a pattern of believing whatever it is she wants to believe. I clearly also see how she used the silent treatment on me, and abstained from sex as a way to punish me for things I didn't even know I did wrong... I understood my relationship with her was a toxic one, and the Lord removed me from her, because He didn't want to lose me as well! So I remarried. It was more like a cosmic Big Bang explosion. I married a good christian girl, she got pregnant, and I became a father of a beautiful girl, all within 1 year! And while I love her, and I love my baby, and my family, I still remember and miss the moments with my first wife. I wished I could forget... But to this day, not a day has passed where I haven't thought of her... I wonder if she one day will realize and see the love I had for her? I do hope so... Sounds strange perhaps, since I'm remarried. But I'm not the only one who remarried, and still loves their first love! :(
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