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Searching for answers

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    Searching for answers

    I want to have some advice,my bf and me have known each other since we were in high school we are both 35 now,let me give you some information on my bf,his name is Gary,he has basically been on his own all his life,so he doesn't know any different,I know I can't change him,no one can change anyone,I am in search for some advice,Gary says he loves me and wants to be with me,he picks a date to come and see me,when the time comes he doesn't come to my house to see me,I want to know why he doesn't want to be with me,I pray to god for Gary to want to be with me,please give me some advice,thank you in advance

    #2
    You've known each other a Long time. Has the relationship become a comfortable habit? What does he base his love for you On? What does love mean to You? Do you have a physical relationship?

    What has his response been when you ask him why he doesn't come over when he's made a date for a certain time?

    Is Gary the only guy you've dated?

    It's a good thing that you realize that you can't change him, yourself.

    I was in Biblical counseling for a while myself. My counselor suggested that I read through some New Testament books -- Galations, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians. He also had me going through a book called The Search For Significance by Robert McGee.

    It's also important that you realize that he's been on his own most of his life.

    You're both in your mid-30's -- do you both work? What are his occupational goals?

    Are you both believers? Is there a church you go to that teaches Bible?

    Are you personally a born-again believer?

    Lots of questions -- hopefully you'll be able to respond -- and hopefully you can talk with Gary about these things. And, most important -- talk to God about these things.
    Comment>

      #3
      To answer your questions Sue I really don't know I have dated other guys before I was with Gary,but I do know that I am the only girl that Gary has been with,he basically dosen't know how to treat me,his mother died when he was 8 years old,his dad had women come and go in and out of his life when Gary was just a little kid.
      Comment>

        #4
        Originally posted by Sue D. View Post
        You've known each other a Long time. Has the relationship become a comfortable habit? What does he base his love for you On? What does love mean to You? Do you have a physical relationship?

        What has his response been when you ask him why he doesn't come over when he's made a date for a certain time?

        Is Gary the only guy you've dated?

        It's a good thing that you realize that you can't change him, yourself.

        I was in Biblical counseling for a while myself. My counselor suggested that I read through some New Testament books -- Galations, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians. He also had me going through a book called The Search For Significance by Robert McGee.

        It's also important that you realize that he's been on his own most of his life.

        You're both in your mid-30's -- do you both work? What are his occupational goals?

        Are you both believers? Is there a church you go to that teaches Bible?

        Are you personally a born-again believer?

        Lots of questions -- hopefully you'll be able to respond -- and hopefully you can talk with Gary about these things. And, most important -- talk to God about these things.
        Gary has a step-mother that has basically raised him since he was a little kid,he calls his step-mom his mom
        Comment>

          #5
          Originally posted by fairystar View Post
          To answer your questions Sue I really don't know I have dated other guys before I was with Gary,but I do know that I am the only girl that Gary has been with,he basically dosen't know how to treat me,his mother died when he was 8 years old,his dad had women come and go in and out of his life when Gary was just a little kid.
          Fairystar,

          This is a Christian board, so you have to expect a Christian answer. First of all sex before or outside the framework of marriage is a grave sin. Sex is only to be enjoyed in the framework of marriage. There are rational reasons for this as God intended. Most Christians do not date, but they court with the intention of becoming married. Establishing such a close bond as you have done creates an unhealthy emotional attachment. As you can see, the person you have invested much time with can simply walk away. That attachment which you're experiencing has no guarantee or vow of a marriage covenant. Should you enter into courtship with another person, you should keep in mind that if within a year (approximately) you decide that this person is not the one you are going to marry then you should break it off.

          If you want my advice, break off the relationship. The amount of years you have both been dating and living in sin is ridiculous. You have set yourself up to be devastated emotionally. I suggest you turn to God from your sins, and work on your relationship with Him. Join a church if you do not already belong to one and become active in singles groups etc. This will help you cope with your heart brokenness, and it will fill your life with believers which you can lean on for emotional support. Not to mention, that special someone may be waiting for you that actually takes upon himself the role that God intended seriously - spiritual leader.

          Here are some articles I think will help you understand the Christian worldview:
          1. What does it mean to be a godly husband?
          2. What does the Bible say about marriage?
          3. Is it right for a Christian to date or marry a non-Christian?
          4. What is sexual immorality?
          5. What is the difference between fornication and adultery?

          God bless,
          William
          Comment>

            #6
            William has given you excellent Godly advice.

            I have to wonder if you have ever repented of your sins, and really "Followed" Jesus Christ. By your involvement with Gary it would seem not. Perhaps its time to make some serious choices, and at 35 life if passing by, your may well have lived half of your life by now.

            In relationships like yours with Gary there is always much more than what is stated on the surface of your posts. There is a reason Gary does not want to get married, and I believe if you search inside yourself you most likely know why. Gary is a grown man and what ever happened when he was a child, he has learned he would rather have a surface relationship rather that commit to a lifetime marriage covenant commitment. Some men like recreational sexual relationships, and some women do too.


            Here is the real issue; what do you really want? Are you really wanting to Follow Jesus Christ or live in sin without God? I an being blunt, but its time for you to make a choice that will effect the rest of your life. You are in the "Y" of the road of your life, which way do you want to go? Are you tired of living the way your are, knowing that Gary will never marry you?

            The Love of Jesus Christ is eternal, everlasting, what you have now is just moment by moment and will eventually let you down and deeply wounded.

            I pray you make the choice that gives you real love and security. God be with you fairystar.


            justme
            Comment>

              #7
              Originally posted by William View Post

              Fairystar,

              This is a Christian board, so you have to expect a Christian answer. First of all sex before or outside the framework of marriage is a grave sin. Sex is only to be enjoyed in the framework of marriage. There are rational reasons for this as God intended. Most Christians do not date, but they court with the intention of becoming married. Establishing such a close bond as you have done creates an unhealthy emotional attachment. As you can see, the person you have invested much time with can simply walk away. That attachment which you're experiencing has no guarantee or vow of a marriage covenant. Should you enter into courtship with another person, you should keep in mind that if within a year (approximately) you decide that this person is not the one you are going to marry then you should break it off.

              If you want my advice, break off the relationship. The amount of years you have both been dating and living in sin is ridiculous. You have set yourself up to be devastated emotionally. I suggest you turn to God from your sins, and work on your relationship with Him. Join a church if you do not already belong to one and become active in singles groups etc. This will help you cope with your heart brokenness, and it will fill your life with believers which you can lean on for emotional support. Not to mention, that special someone may be waiting for you that actually takes upon himself the role that God intended seriously - spiritual leader.

              Here are some articles I think will help you understand the Christian worldview:
              1. What does it mean to be a godly husband?
              2. What does the Bible say about marriage?
              3. Is it right for a Christian to date or marry a non-Christian?
              4. What is sexual immorality?
              5. What is the difference between fornication and adultery?

              God bless,
              William


              Realizing that this post is meant for '"Fairystar" -- I'd like to comment for a moment.

              There is a mindset with some that courtship is The way for singles to get to know each other. They frown on 'dating'. However, sometimes courtship isn't practical or possible. "Dating" is what the guy and gal make it to be. And some of it depends on the culture a person grows up in.

              I was never is a courtship setting. Young people dated and after a while -- if they feel led to - they get engaged and get married.

              People who move away from family with a job or college and then meet someone probably Won't be around family in order To court the guy or gal.

              It IS best to be in a group setting getting to know other young people / adults. Some churches have singles / career classes. They will have social times so people can get to know each other in a positive environment.

              Before breaking up with Gary -- have him read these posts -- threads of conversation we've been having. Get his thoughts.

              And I probably wouldn't set a time limit on a relationship. You and Gary have known each other a long time. We're assuming that there has probably been a sexual element involved. If that Is the case, then he might not be in any hurry to get married, cause you've been giving him everything he really Wants -- the sexual component.

              Another comment -- what is 'love' -- Biblical love. Hopefully you have access to a Bible -- NKJV -- in the New Testament the book of 1 Corinthians 13 :4 - 7 vs 4 starts out "love is patient,,,,,,,,,,"

              A close bond can develop between people when they aren't even looking for it. It just happens. Sometimes it's a good bonding and sometimes Not. When a person realizes that it's not healthy bonding, then it's time to let the person know that they need to be away from each other.

              The most important relationship a person will ever have is with God through Jesus Christ. A person needs to have Jesus Christ as their personal Savior.

              Find a pastor's wife to talk to in person. And talk with us here, also. And, as you get to know more people, you'll know if it's healthy or not and if it can be pursued or needs to discontinue.
              Comment>

                #8
                fairystar -- how are things with you and Gary going? Have you been able to share these thoughts with him? I've been concerned.
                Comment>

                  #9
                  Originally posted by Sue D. View Post
                  fairystar -- how are things with you and Gary going? Have you been able to share these thoughts with him? I've been concerned.
                  No I have not,Gary is I guess you could say a very private person he doesn't really talk to me
                  Comment>

                    #10
                    Originally posted by fairystar View Post

                    No I have not,Gary is I guess you could say a very private person he doesn't really talk to me

                    Then how on earth do you Have a relationship with him?
                    Comment>
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