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Men who won't marry

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  • Men who won't marry

    My friend has been dating her boyfriend for three years and she's been leaving hints that she wants to get married. She doesn't want a big wedding but she wants a ring, she's even offered to run to Las Vegas and skip the reception to save on money. He says he loves he but he's told her point blank that he's not looking to get married yet. I wouldn't mind this if he had a good reason like saving up for a ring, a wedding, or completing college first. But he's comfortably working his way up the office ladder. Instead of marriage, he's offering to let her move in with him to save rent and jokes around about wanting kids with her. She's hesitating about moving in because she doesn't want him to think that it's enough. She's also afraid that she'll end up as his baby mama instead of the mother of his children. She's not the first of my friends who's had to deal with a boyfriend that won't completely commit, they will do everything but get married. I don't know what to really say. What I want to say is that if he doesn't want to put a ring on it, he shouldn't joke around about making babies and that she should dump him. But it's been three years, and some men take forever to actually get married. My dad dated my stepmom for ten years before he married her. So there is just something with this generation of men who don't want to marry. Any guys out there could give me some real advice on the situations? I'm looking at this situation from a female perspective because it's happening to my girlfriends but maybe it's unfair to expect marriage so soon? I just don't know anymore, all the guys I've dated just want to play.and have no attention getting serious.

  • #2
    If a guy can't take the relationship to the next level and the girl do want to get married, that is a clear sign that they're not on the same page. For guys, they can take forever before making that decision, but girls can't because the biological clock is ticking and the guy should know that. If I were in your friend's shoes, I would keep my options open and probably go on friendly dates with other guys. And yeah, I will not consent to a live-in arrangement, I am worth more than that.
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    • #3
      There are enough people in this universe to satisfy all our diverse relationship needs and desires, and I've always felt that if a relationship doesn't work, then you have to move on. A lot of us try to change the people that they are in a relationship with into something that they think is ideal, but in my experience, this is never a good idea. It always invariably fails. People don't change, at least not for someone else, they need to make the decision for themselves. If a guy doesn't want to get married and you somehow convince him to change his mind, then you might be happy in the short term, but he will undoubtedly become restless and miserable in the marriage unless he made the choice himself.
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      • #4
        Well I think that Corts brings up a good point. If you are out there forcing people to do things that they ultimately do not want to do, then you are just creating situations of false happiness and that is really not doing anyone any favors. It is an interesting question though, and I know a lot of people who have no interest in getting married or having children, and I am fine with it. It is a little weird just because I am the opposite, but to each their own I suppose. Thanks for sharing.
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        • #5
          A lot of people feel that they have to micro manage every situation in their lives so that it goes 'their' way but the truth is that life doesn't work that way. If you truly want to live a happy and successful life, then you have to practice allowing the things that you want to flow into your life without you interfering. Let Go and Let God! When you ask for something, like a perfect partner, it is already given. And all you have to do is to relax and allow God to lead you to them and them to you, because he is forever conspiring on your behalf and everything will always work out for the best as long as you trust that God can and will provide for you the perfect relationship.
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          • #6
            LeapOfFaith89 your friend's boyfriend is wasting her time. I've known men who aren't willing to commit and will often dump their girlfriends once they are pregnant. Since he has said he isn't willing to get married, then your friend should let him go. It's a tough choice that I must admit but it might save her some heartache in future. If the two love each other they should get married, if one isn't willing then that's a good enough reason to end the relationship because it [the relationship] is heading nowhere.
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            • #7
              Unless I am missing something it appears this guy knows exactly what he wants. He is content with working on his career and views his relationship with your friend as nothing more than casual. He probably has no intention of getting married, and it would be a huge mistake to push him into it. She may love him, but if her ultimate desire, and possibly God's will for her life, is to get married and start a family, then she needs to cut him lose and start looking for the man God has in mind for her. Now if God actually has brought the right man into her life, then I would suggest that she, and you, to start praying that God will put it on this man's heart to start seeking God's will and not his own.

              Something missing from your post is any speculation as to if this man considers himself a Christian. If your friend is a Christian and he is not, or at the very least a luke-warm Christian, that would be another reason to let him go, as they would end up being unequally yolked in their relationship.
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              • #8
                I would absolutely do the same thing, seems like that guy and I share the same thinking, I'm actually the kind of person who does not like having serious relationships, it's kinda the same thing that happens to that guy, he has the relationship but he does not want to move on any further, yet, I clearly understand his reasons, even when I am 18 years old, our reasons might be the same, however, I personally think it's mostly because he's looking to build his own throne before starting to share it, fortunately I consider it as a good move because having a wife means having kids and all that means you're going to be spending a lot of money, time and your dreams are going to fall apart, I know that that guy wants and it's extremely awesome, he wants more than an average house or an average car, he wants to own the world, that's what he really wants.
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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Knotical View Post
                  Unless I am missing something it appears this guy knows exactly what he wants. He is content with working on his career and views his relationship with your friend as nothing more than casual. He probably has no intention of getting married, and it would be a huge mistake to push him into it. She may love him, but if her ultimate desire, and possibly God's will for her life, is to get married and start a family, then she needs to cut him lose and start looking for the man God has in mind for her. Now if God actually has brought the right man into her life, then I would suggest that she, and you, to start praying that God will put it on this man's heart to start seeking God's will and not his own.

                  Something missing from your post is any speculation as to if this man considers himself a Christian. If your friend is a Christian and he is not, or at the very least a luke-warm Christian, that would be another reason to let him go, as they would end up being unequally yolked in their relationship.
                  No, they both go to church regularly. So one being religious and the other being non-religious isn't a problem. In fact they originally met at a bible study. I don't doubt his faith just his motive. His casualness is probably what bothers me because he's Christian. If he was an atheist or had tepid faith, I would have told her to go date find another Christian man. I just hesitate saying anything because he good except for this one thing. I don't really know what advice to give my friend because it's not like he's abusing her, and he's not a bad guy. Do you think I should tell her to look for someone else? Or wait it out, they're still young but she's daydreaming of a house and kids? I guess that's what I'm really asking.
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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by LeapOfFaith89 View Post

                    No, they both go to church regularly. So one being religious and the other being non-religious isn't a problem. In fact they originally met at a bible study. I don't doubt his faith just his motive. His casualness is probably what bothers me because he's Christian. If he was an atheist or had tepid faith, I would have told her to go date find another Christian man. I just hesitate saying anything because he good except for this one thing. I don't really know what advice to give my friend because it's not like he's abusing her, and he's not a bad guy. Do you think I should tell her to look for someone else? Or wait it out, they're still young but she's daydreaming of a house and kids? I guess that's what I'm really asking.
                    I do not really think religion has any influence in this case, it's mostly about the way that guy thinks and what he actually wants for his life, he probably loves the girl or probably he does not, but whatever he might be thinking right now is nothing harmful to any of them, the girl should understand him or at least ask him for a reason at least, you should also tell her that she is not going to find anybody better than him, he actually knows what he wants and that's a plus.
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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by LeapOfFaith89 View Post

                      No, they both go to church regularly. So one being religious and the other being non-religious isn't a problem. In fact they originally met at a bible study. I don't doubt his faith just his motive. His casualness is probably what bothers me because he's Christian. If he was an atheist or had tepid faith, I would have told her to go date find another Christian man. I just hesitate saying anything because he good except for this one thing. I don't really know what advice to give my friend because it's not like he's abusing her, and he's not a bad guy. Do you think I should tell her to look for someone else? Or wait it out, they're still young but she's daydreaming of a house and kids? I guess that's what I'm really asking.
                      For a Christian dating is really a tool in order to find the person they are to marry. This guy is obviously not using it for that, and apparently they are not on the same page in regard to where they see themselves in the near future. They really need to have an honest discussion, which may nor may not result in a break up. But they should really be seeking God's will on this.
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                      • #12
                        When the relationship is right, you know it almost immediately. My parents knew each other exactly six weeks before they were married. They were introduced to each other through a mutual friend and have been together as man and wife for almost 54 years now. I met my husband on an online dating site and after our first date I was totally convinced that we weren't right for each other, and I was gravely disappointed, as I was looking for a husband at the time. Since I was 41 years old, I can't imagine what else I would be looking for. :rolleyes: But God told me to hang in there, and this man became my very best friend and we were married a year and 4 months later. That was five years ago and our relationship is stronger than ever. If this man isn't planning to get married but the woman wants marriage, then they aren't compatible... simple as that. They should not be together because they aren't on the same page. They probably aren't even reading the same book. If the man is truly a Christian as he claims, then he would not have asked her to move in with him. Instead, he would have asked her to marry him. Yup, she needs to move on, because he is NOT a Christian, not even close, and he has NO respect for her as a woman of God. Christians are known by their actions, not their words, so claiming to be one thing and doing an entirely different thing... that tells us the truth every time.
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                        • #13
                          I met my wife five years ago and was married within a year. I had promised myself that if I knew a woman not right, or the one year mark came about and marriage was not in sight then I would break it off. I think too long of relationships without a marriage commitment are negative, they tend to create an unhealthy emotional attachment. I didn't believe in dating but rather courtship. It is unfair and uncaring, not to mention naive for both parties to string along another when knowing the other is not Mr. or Mrs. right.

                          God bless,
                          William
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                          • #14
                            You're absolutely right, the guy does not really want anything with her, he probably does not see his religion as a strong requirement and he's only focusing on his self-improvement instead of getting bigger responsibilities, it's such a wise thinking from him, but it might be quite offensive or out of the rules for the girl he's dating, sometimes that happens and couples just break up because of their religious differences and such things.
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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by LeapOfFaith89 View Post
                              No, they both go to church regularly. So one being religious and the other being non-religious isn't a problem. In fact they originally met at a bible study. I don't doubt his faith just his motive. His casualness is probably what bothers me because he's Christian.
                              He claims to be Christian, but recommended living with her unmarried? Something isn't right here and she should be very careful.

                              Originally posted by William View Post
                              I didn't believe in dating but rather courtship.
                              ^ Agreed with this. :)

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