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Pornography is destroying my marriage

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  • Pornography is destroying my marriage

    My spouse is battling an addiction to pornography. I first was confronted by their addiction less than a year into our marriage, and probably the same way most spouses do - I came across a folder of disturbing images and videos on the computer. It's now a few years on and things are getting worse. About six months ago we installed Covenant Eyes on our computer, but that only prevents certain websites being accessed and keeps an accountability record. There is no way to completely block pornography on computers and cellphones when you can get it emailed to you or sent via Dropbox. My spouse has been accessing pornography websites on their phone, and setting up numerous email address to access porn. Last night my spouse could not bring themselves to delete an email account specifically set up to get porn. We're talking 800 email conversations and countless pictures and videos. In the end, I deleted it for them (and was thanked), but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I cannot trust my spouse. And this hurts. It hurts so bad. We have prayed, keep praying, and will keep praying. but as my spouse refuses to get counselling or even talk to a trusted person about their struggles, I do not know what to do. I can see the way we interact together changing for the worse, and I find myself unable to respect my spouse. We both find divorce unbiblical, so please don't suggest that.

  • #2
    I would love to help but my friends and I were listening to a woman going to for her counselling degree at college and she said that counselling can do tremendous damage. I also bought a book at a Christian college on counselling and it said that the Catholic church will pay out a billion dollars due to lawsuits over counselling.

    It is hard to say how someone can see this problem the same way that you see it and your spouse sees it and for everyone to come out undamaged.

    The reason people don't want to talk to counsellors or seek spiritual help is because they feel, "You might hurt me." , they are embarrassed, or they don't want help.

    I will try to pray for you and your spouse.
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    • #3
      Hello Alostsheep,

      Do both you and your spouse attend church? I think it may be time to involve your church, if your spouse is unwilling to go, you may want to consider going to speak to your pastor by yourself. If your spouse is a member at your church, your pastor may decide to enforce church discipline if your spouse is unrepentant. This could be highly embarrassing for you both, especially if it came down to a public reprimand or even worse yet an excommunication. I don't really want to give you advice on what to do about your spouse, but I believe you should turn to the church for support, you have issues with trusting, and I'm not saying that your issues are not warranted. My point is that you're being hurt, and I believe you need to lean on the church and its leadership. As far as the marriage covenant, let me encourage you to place your faith in God, not in your spouse, but pray for them.

      I pray that you may glorify God in your marriage covenant during these troublesome times.

      God bless,
      William
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      • #4
        Thanks Chuckt and William. Yes we are both active members of a solid Reformed church. Our minister is great, but our church is small and that's one of the reasons I have been reluctant to get him involved. I also feel like I would be betraying my spouse by going to see our minister without them. I know that only God can cure this and heal both our marriages and ourselves, but I do feel like there are things that we can actively do to help fight this.

        Please do pray for us!
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        • #5
          I encourage you to get past your feelings of betrayal. You mentioned having deleted conversations, Alostsheep. This is beyond simply viewing porn. The betrayal is not on your part. Please read 1 Corinthians 5. I'm sure if your pastor follows the biblical outline on sexual immorality and approaching a guilty party that sins against you, this will be kept personal first, giving your spouse time to repent after approaching him as a witness. You mentioned belonging to a Reformed church, personally, I belong to a Reformed Presbyterian church, and if you're familiar there is a proceeding that follows an unrepentant person. Do what you can to save your marriage, encourage your spouse as a help meet, glorifying God in the process. Remember Nabal and Abigail. Abigail took the initiative to do the right thing, despite being married to "a fool". Doing the right thing is not according to your spouse, but by the word of God.

          God bless,
          William
          Comment>

          • #6
            I believe in being sensitive and approaching the problem with kids gloves. I just suggest seeing a licensed counsellor who is a Christian.
            I do believe in preserving your marriage.

            Usually from my limited experience, a counsellor doesn't take sides because he can't do anything. Someone has to want to change in order to get help so that is why counsellors have historically not wanted to take sides.
            A Christian counsellor in the church may take more of a Biblical stance and I'm guessing this issue is personal so my fear your spouse would take the issue personally.

            There is also a danger when some ministers suggest separation because that is when men can turn violent because that means the end of a sexual relationship.

            There is a book called: "Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time"
            Book by Fred Stoeker and Steve Arterburn

            It might be that he might be more willing to read through a book with you but there are dangers in giving people books because it communicates there is something wrong.

            King James Bible
            To the one we are the savour of death unto death; and to the other the savour of life unto life. And who sufficient for these things?
            2 Corinthians 2:16 To the one we are an aroma that brings death; to the other, an aroma that brings life. And who is equal to such a task?

            And communicating something wrong to some people means that you have life and they don't so you may need another person preferably a licensed counsellor on your side but I can't predict the end result because not everyone will react well.

            What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
            Mark 10:9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate."

            The above verse talks about marriage.
            Comment>

            • #7
              Email conversations? Sounds like he's spending money.

              I suspect sharing his problem with others, counselors or the church, will do nothing but humiliate him.

              I suggest baby steps. Tell him you'll back away (for a while) if he takes steps, starting with him agreeing to not spend money on porn. Other steps:
              You already have filtering.
              You get full access to his phone and computer (initially without a condition of it having no porn).
              He agrees to limit his privacy even more.
              And, so on.

              You'll have to reward him for his progress. I also suggest you not let it bother you so much, not only does that make you miserable, it might be counterproductive to getting him to cooperate (you get angry, he withdraws...).

              ALostSheep, why do consistently refer to your husband with plural pronouns? Is English your second language?
              Comment>

              • #8
                Originally posted by ALostSheep View Post
                My spouse is battling an addiction to pornography. I first was confronted by their addiction less than a year into our marriage, and probably the same way most spouses do - I came across a folder of disturbing images and videos on the computer. It's now a few years on and things are getting worse. About six months ago we installed Covenant Eyes on our computer, but that only prevents certain websites being accessed and keeps an accountability record. There is no way to completely block pornography on computers and cellphones when you can get it emailed to you or sent via Dropbox. My spouse has been accessing pornography websites on their phone, and setting up numerous email address to access porn. Last night my spouse could not bring themselves to delete an email account specifically set up to get porn. We're talking 800 email conversations and countless pictures and videos. In the end, I deleted it for them (and was thanked), but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I cannot trust my spouse. And this hurts. It hurts so bad. We have prayed, keep praying, and will keep praying. but as my spouse refuses to get counselling or even talk to a trusted person about their struggles, I do not know what to do. I can see the way we interact together changing for the worse, and I find myself unable to respect my spouse. We both find divorce unbiblical, so please don't suggest that.
                There are two Biblical reasons for divorce and that is fornication and or desertion. I'm not saying that everything has to end in divorce but there are other alternatives like counselling or separation.
                You mentioned trust and it being the tip of the iceberg.
                The question arises is what will you do if one of you contract an STD? Then it becomes a safety issue.
                If he has all of these email accounts that are hidden from you then can you really know what is going on?
                I would seek a professional licensed counsellor immediately.
                Comment>

                • #9
                  Hi there, this is my first post. I have not even introduced myself yet. I am not an expert, but we are all authorities having dealt with this. I want to say, I thought divorce was not Biblcal too, but there are grounds for divorce. I finally got sick of my wife's crap, which is another story. When she refused Christian counseling, well she went twice anyways (out of 7 times), I was good with leaving. I cried time and time again and toiled with this for a long time, but there was absolutely no forgiveness in her heart for what I did do, much less for what she thinks I did but didn't.I heard sermon after sermon on forgiveness and marriage and how it will eat someone up. As of right now we are in negotiations, barring a miracle we are done. I got back with GOD some five yrs ago, and our marriage was never right before that. Did you get married under GOD? We didn't. Were you both followers of the LORD? We weren't. Heck, we did a JP wedding, so it was not under GOD at all. Were you both going to church, but not believing? Was there issues with porn then? If any of these were present, then maybe you did not get married under GOD, so you are not breaking any Biblical vows,.There is a Church in Mexico NY that has a former Adult film empoyee there, maybe that could be your last resort. There is an article in todays Syracuse Sub Standard Newspaper on her. She does counseling and actually married a pastor from another church according to the article. Who better to ask than someone who has first hand knowledge of the industry? I will post the link for the church. I saw them in person today, and maybe it is exactly what you are lookig for. GOD bless you and your marriage. Well I guess I can't post the link so search Mexico NY Lighthouse Church.


                  Comment>

                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Even So View Post
                    If any of these were present, then maybe you did not get married under GOD, so you are not breaking any Biblical vows,
                    It sounds like you're rationalizing your own personal decision. Christians don't leave their spouses. If your spouse leaves you, that's not your doing.


                    If your wife is spending all your money, create a separate account that she can't access.
                    If she's getting fat, tell yourself there's more of her to love, and gently educate her about healthy eating.
                    If she's naggy, tune her out.
                    Etc.

                    If she's not a Christian, set a loving and godly example for her.

                    If nothing seems to work, consider that you're building up treasure in Heaven by putting up with her. There are Christians all over the world facing persecution, including incarceration and death. And, you're going to let one woman break you?




                    Comment>

                    • #11
                      We are both Christians and were when we married. I don't quite grasp your advice Even So. And to other posters, yes my spouse has been caught spending money and that has stopped after keeping a close eye on bank accounts. English is my first language and I have made a conscious decision not to reveal whether I am a husband seeking advice for my wife's addiction, or a wife seeking advice for my husband's addiction. Does it matter? Both men and women battle with pornography.
                      Comment>

                      • #12
                        Originally posted by ALostSheep View Post
                        English is my first language and I have made a conscious decision not to reveal whether I am a husband seeking advice for my wife's addiction, or a wife seeking advice for my husband's addiction. Does it matter? Both men and women battle with pornography.
                        Heheh, okay, I get it.
                        Comment>

                        • #13
                          Originally posted by ALostSheep View Post
                          My spouse is battling an addiction to pornography. I first was confronted by their addiction less than a year into our marriage, and probably the same way most spouses do - I came across a folder of disturbing images and videos on the computer. It's now a few years on and things are getting worse. About six months ago we installed Covenant Eyes on our computer, but that only prevents certain websites being accessed and keeps an accountability record. There is no way to completely block pornography on computers and cellphones when you can get it emailed to you or sent via Dropbox. My spouse has been accessing pornography websites on their phone, and setting up numerous email address to access porn. Last night my spouse could not bring themselves to delete an email account specifically set up to get porn. We're talking 800 email conversations and countless pictures and videos. In the end, I deleted it for them (and was thanked), but this is just the tip of the iceberg. I cannot trust my spouse. And this hurts. It hurts so bad. We have prayed, keep praying, and will keep praying. but as my spouse refuses to get counselling or even talk to a trusted person about their struggles, I do not know what to do. I can see the way we interact together changing for the worse, and I find myself unable to respect my spouse. We both find divorce unbiblical, so please don't suggest that.
                          Youngster, I'm seventy-one in a few days, but youngster, when you married HIM (I know) you entered into a covenant relationship that will never be broken! That said, if you remain in place you are, inactively, empowering his addiction. He is trapped in the same destructive loop I was caught up in as a younger man and men, being creatures stimulated by sight, are tough to break from this filthy addiction.

                          You married him so you love him but love, true love, can be a monster to administer, especially in this case. I had an unsimiliar case that required action from me and when I tossed my Cocain Addicted, seventeen year old, only son, everyone cursed me, even my best friends. However, today, he wants my thirty year old pocket knife for his own when I pass and we have a love that will not be broken for each other.

                          Your mate needs counseling and if it takes you leaving the house until he goes with you, do so.
                          Comment>

                          • #14
                            Originally posted by ALostSheep View Post
                            We are both Christians and were when we married. I don't quite grasp your advice Even So. And to other posters, yes my spouse has been caught spending money and that has stopped after keeping a close eye on bank accounts. English is my first language and I have made a conscious decision not to reveal whether I am a husband seeking advice for my wife's addiction, or a wife seeking advice for my husband's addiction. Does it matter? Both men and women battle with pornography.

                            It matters because you are hiding the truth and because of that, I am taking a dim view of things and won't help anymore because for all I know, you are in trouble and you are trying to find out information.
                            Comment>

                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Even So View Post
                              Hi there, this is my first post. I have not even introduced myself yet. I am not an expert, but we are all authorities having dealt with this. I want to say, I thought divorce was not Biblcal too, but there are grounds for divorce.
                              People are taught that divorce isn't Biblical but Ezra commanded the people to put away (Ezra 10:3) their pagan wives according to the commandment(s):

                              Ezra 10 (Blue Letter Bible: KJV - King James Version)
                              Comment>
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